Everything you need to know about marrying a flight attendant

DEAR Sarah: I am getting married to a flight attendant this summer. I’m just an average looking guy, and I hear so many rumours about flight attendants … that it gives me trust issues.

A couple days ago I received some questions from a nervous groom that began like this. I assure you, Mr. A, your concerns are very common.

If you want to get a generally more realistic view as to what a flight attendant’s life is like, there are quite a few crew writers out there, along with myself, who work hard to correct exactly the misconceptions you are hearing.

Still, I totally get it. The sad fact is crew relationships fall apart all the time because of the job. It requires oodles of trust and a partner who is really okay with being at home on their own for, sometimes, good stretches of time.

Here are three things you should know:

1. People think flight attendants are in the air surrounded by rich hot guys asking for our numbers all the time.

You mention your “average looks,” but (aside from the fact that looks aren’t everything!) you’re glamorising the flying public big time. On a flight of 300 people, hypothetical dating/fling possibilities are actually quite slim. It’s not a crowd of supermodels, it’s regular people: women, grandparents, children, couples and people who don’t speak my language.

Of the males, there are those that are married/involved, ones I’m not attracted to, ones that are buried in work, ones that are jerks, ones who are boring, ones who are travelling with company that makes in inappropriate for us to flirt, ones that are only connecting through the destination, ones that are too shy and ones who are just not interested. It’s just not a nightclub up there!

If we do meet a passenger, colleague or someone on a layover, scheduling is still another obstacle. Over nine years of being single in the job, I only had four first dates (through work) that went well enough for a second, and two of those I still never managed to meet again.

2. The job is just a magnifier, not the culprit.

Does my work-dating experience above represent the “norm”? I don’t know — It all depends the person. That was part of the point; if your fiancee is trying harder than a singleton was, then her job is definitely not the problem.

It still takes effort to meet someone as a flight attendant. Quite a lot, actually. If your partner can meet someone up there, then they can meet someone walking down the street. When you break it down, either you trust your partner or you don’t. If you’re struggling in this area, look to the relationship and/or yourself and try to address it there. If you convince your partner to leave the job they love, they may resent you. And guess what? You’ll still feel insecure.

3. In most of the flight attendant relationships I’ve known to end due to cheating, it was the person at home who was untrue.

Most of the time, the end came when a flight attendant’s trip cancelled and they ended up back at home with no notice only to make a sad discovery. Remember, you’re being left alone with little accountability, too. The trust required for your relationship to work isn’t all flowing in one direction. Hopefully it will help for you to understand that your partner is just as vulnerable as you.

Crew relationships are not for everybody. You can’t need your wife to cook you dinner every night! That ain’t happenin’ (at least not for some years yet as she sloooowly earns more control of her schedule). They also require enormous amounts of trust. I won’t sugar-coat that. My husband has no idea where I am half the time and vice-versa, but thankfully that’s something we can laugh about.

Perhaps Mr. A and his fiancee can make a plan to keep in touch more regularly while she’s on the road in order to allay his fears. Whatever the solution, I wish you all the best in your marriage and hope that one day you two can be secure enough to laugh about your time apart.